You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
