i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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