Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
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I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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