I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
