woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
