Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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