I want to stick my p in your. b.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
