Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
