i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
