I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
