i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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