WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
