Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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