i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His hands were made for my vagina.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
