I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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