you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
