i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
