You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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