I have demons in me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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