I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
