Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
