I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
