Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
