Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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