My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
