I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
