he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
