My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
