I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just tell him i said nine months
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize