I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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