i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
do herpes really smell.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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