Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I understand Curling. That high.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
