Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
