So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
