sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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