the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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