just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
