I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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