My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
