Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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