Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
