He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
