I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
