you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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