i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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