can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
