new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
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