I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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