I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
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