It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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