Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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