Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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