Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
