More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
