So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
