Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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