Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious