it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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