Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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